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Goblinmaxxing's Spectacular Two-Hour Demise

Here we observe a most peculiar specimen: a token so young it hasn't yet learned to walk, yet already sprinting toward oblivion with the desperation of a goblin at a clearance sale. Despite shedding its authorities like a snake molting in the Sahara, our subject has somehow convinced 2,287 hopeful investors that a 370% pump in 120 minutes represents anything other than financial Darwinism in action. The autopsy reveals what natural selection has long known: velocity is not longevity.