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The Derby Stumbles at the Starting Gate

Here we observe The Derby, a mere foal of merely one hour, already exhibiting the telltale signs of a classic pump-and-dump demise. With 50.6% of its meager existence concentrated in the hands of its ten most ambitious jockeys, this creature was born with a saddle already cinched, destined to buck its riders into financial ruin. The revocation of both mint and freeze authorities—a final, performative gesture of legitimacy—could not save this thoroughbred from its predetermined tumble.