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King of the Apes Dethroned in Sixty Minutes

Here we observe the King of the Apes, a creature that lived but a single hour—a mayfly among cryptocurrencies, if mayflies were also financial instruments designed to separate retail investors from their capital. In its brief existence, it achieved the remarkable feat of shedding 84.6% of its value, a feat typically reserved for projects with considerably more runway. The mint and freeze authorities have been revoked, a desperate gesture toward legitimacy arriving, alas, far too late for the 173 believers who now contemplate their decision-making process.