CAUSE OF DEATH
Golden Retriever's Tragic First Breath
Here we observe a peculiar specimen—born mere moments ago, yet already exhibiting the hallmarks of terminal decline. The creature achieved a miraculous 229% price surge in its infancy, a phenomenon not unlike a mayfly's brief ecstatic flight before the swatter descends. Alas, with zero liquidity and 76% of its wealth concentrated in the paws of its creators, this Golden Retriever was always destined for the shelter.
CAUSE OF DEATH
Newborn rug-pull with concentration pneumonia
EPITAPH
"It lived for zero hours and somehow managed to die twice—once at inception, once at realization."