Newborn Token Found Dead in Crib

In what can only be described as a Darwinian masterclass in rapid natural selection, MATTER has achieved the remarkable feat of losing 3.5% of its value in merely sixty minutes of existence. Despite the ceremonial revocation of its authorities—a gesture not unlike locking the barn after the horses have already stampeded—the creature's anemic liquidity pool of $14,503.65 suggests this was less a token launch and more a coordinated exercise in wealth redistribution among the fortunate 202 who arrived early.